Resistance to the Unknown

  During the night there was suddenly a deeper seeing, a seeing through the idea of the "I", a penetrating look which revealed more clearly than ever before the illusory nature of the I thought, the belief that there is a "doer", an entity called "I" which is real and substantial.  The seeing went on for some time, exposing moment to moment the assumption that the thought "I" actually refers to something distinct and definite, something with form.

  The next day some questions arose in relation to the sense of how the seeing was affecting "me".  When everything seems empty of form and substance, including (and especially) myself and others, can one remain with and as that emptiness without thought creating ideas about the way it should be, ideals and concepts to give some kind of meaning, to fill the emptiness with a more comfortable somethingness?  The somethingness created by thought generally or eventually leads to trouble;  it is a construct designed to fill the Void but it has no ultimate reality and is in conflict with what truly is.  The sense of "me" is in resistance to its own dissolution, and when this resistance is active it produces a struggle in the body-mind.  There's a helplessness in the realizing that nothing can be "done" about the situation:  any doing is too late as it will be done by the entity who is resisting the perceived emptiness.

  The question arises, "Can this resistance ever end?  Can thought give up its addiction to its own existence, can it die?"  Is this even the right question?  There is the awareness of what is going on, the seeing that this "I" thought - or the belief in it at least - is the culprit, and yet what effect this seeing has is often unknown.  There can come an intense feeling of urgency, as if it's a matter of life and death - which it is to the "me".  Sometimes there is an instant release or a sense of freedom and space;  at other times there is little release, space, or freedom.  The awareness seems to have its own way of acting on the psychology, its own timing.  The mind would very much like to have control over its own states but it generally has very little, except on a superficial level.  Paradoxically, there is only peace when the "me" stops trying to control, to know, and to find security in thought - or its efforts in that direction are diminished.  As Krishnamurti has pointed out, the only security is when one stops seeking security!