A Challenging Day of Observation

Today has been a challenging day for me. Last night I had a meaningful exchange on Facebook with Harshad Parekh, who I first met last year at a retreat he was facilitating at Swanwick. In response to my recent observations about conditioning, he described a type of seeing that is not rooted in the psychological structure of thought, which is the past. While I think it’s important to be aware of and discuss the way social power structures condition us, what Harshad was describing and what K refers to actually points to a conditioning that is much deeper than just external psycho-social conditioning (although not separate from it). Later on last night I finished listening to a talk by K, in which he described what it means to look at a fact without running away from it or labeling it, without responding by moving into thought in any way whatsoever.  He spoke of looking without translating, and he used the term “pure observation” to describe this type of looking. It really struck a chord with me, and for the rest of the evening and much of today I’ve been watching myself in this way. What I found was I was able to observe in a way that meant I was not responding to my experiences throughout the day by moving into thought, into old or new beliefs. What I started to understand today was that this type of seeing is an action that has the power to end both belief and the entire mechanism of discursive thought. The thing is—and this is why today has been challenging for me—this isn’t a comforting practice, at least not for me at this point. As K points out, we are compelled to move into thought, into beliefs and knowledge, out of a deep-rooted desire to escape our basic insecurity. And without moving into thought, I’m left with a very simple and raw experience of myself, of being alive in this moment. I’m very used to keeping myself psychologically-occupied in a variety of ways—whether I’m perpetuating old beliefs or forming new ones—but today I refrained from my usual mental patterns as best I could by simply observing in this way. There is a certain peace in that space which is new to me, but it’s such a different experience for me, to simply be with myself like that, that I must admit it’s a bit disconcerting. So, the question is perhaps, am I really willing to end this whole internal process of belief? My thoughts give me a great deal of comfort, but to be honest I’d say they have caused me more grief than anything. Am I willing to let go of all that? Do I really want this kind of freedom? I will continue observing in this way.  JR